


sorry

by deadbeatfreak99



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, Childhood Friends, Confession, Epistolary, F/F, First Love, Fluff, Letters, Pining, Sad Ending, Temporarily Unrequited Love, momo loves dahyun and dahyun is oblivious, set in the 90's
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-10-06
Packaged: 2020-11-07 18:57:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 3,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20822222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadbeatfreak99/pseuds/deadbeatfreak99
Summary: ❝And then she disappeared.❞《In which Dahyun receives thirteen letters and only sends one.》





	1. 13-01-1991

**Author's Note:**

> originally completed on wattpad 9/04/2019
> 
> link to spotify playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/ltmv1akncmgjlstc4y6lcnhit/playlist/2yrwwQzjV8oLNlTnDsyvZC?si=7sl1yEL6RzKhiEl_Lt0XLQ
> 
> i hope you enjoy it!

_Dear Dahyun, _

_I have decided to write you a series of letters which I hope you will take the time to read. _

_I understand if you are reluctant to read words I've written after what's happened, and if you stash these away somewhere without opening them at all, it's okay. _

_I don't necessarily deserve to have you spend any more time on me, but please know that I mean everything said on these pages, and that they're secrets I have kept hidden deep for far too long, which you deserve to know of._

_I hope they all find you well, and that you're happy and healthy. _

_I miss your voice. I miss holding you. _

_I hope you don't miss me. _

_All the love, _

_from your best friend, _  
_Momo _


	2. 15-01-1991

_Dear Dahyun,_

_Do you remember the first time you fell for a boy? You came running to me with pink cheeks and blown eyes, your pretty lips pulled into an excited smile. _

_Do you remember what you told me, after you threw yourself upon my bed and flailed around while squealing? _

_"Momo, I think I'm in love!" _

_We were so young, simply eager to have some kind of semblance of the romance we'd see among adults, of course it was not love. How could it be such a strong emotion as love? _

_And yet, that was what I felt for you, though I couldn't understand it._

_I'm sorry for lying and saying I was happy about the news. In reality, it made my heart constrict and crack until it shattered, but your happiness brought it back together again._

_It was a vicious cycle._


	3. 18-01-1991

_Dear Dahyun, _

_D_ _o you remember when I convinced you into skipping school and you got in trouble? _

_I'm sorry I let that happen. I didn't want your parents to scold you in front of everyone, I just desperately wanted time alone with you. _

_After you began dating that boy, I felt shucked off to the side, out of loop and not a part of your life. I missed laying with you on bed after school and helping you out with homework. I missed riding our bikes together and going to the arcade, because now you did them all with that guy._

_It wasn't your fault. _

_You tried to spend an equal amount of time with me but he'd complain and I'd give in._

_I'm sorry for letting you stay with him._


	4. 21-01-1991

_Dear Dahyun, _

_I_ _s it too formal if I keep starting the letters off like this? _

_Do you happen to remember when you came to my home, crying and sogged by the rain? It was late at night, my parents already in bed, but even with the mess your muddy shoes left in their wake, I had let you in._

_Do you remember what you told me, as we cuddled on the couch and your sobs melted into quivering whimpers? _

_"Is this love, Momo?" _

_I wasn't sure what to tell you, because I didn't know who your question was about. _

_I loved you, and in that moment I had foolishly believed that my embrace had transmitted my emotions to you, but I was wrong. _

_Had I known you were talking about that boy, I would have said no, because love is what I feel for you, not the suffering he had brought upon you._

_I'm sorry for not having said anything._


	5. 23-01-1991

_Dear Dahyun, _

_A_ _re you perhaps already getting tired of these letters? I hope not. I still have some things to say and I don't think I could leave without them ever being said._

_Do you remember that time when you were sixteen, and we were helping out with cooking Sunday lunch at your house? I tugged you along to sneak away into the backyard and you giggled as we went._

_Do you remember guiding me along the flowerbeds and telling me all about the seeds you had planted and how you couldn't wait to see them grow and bloom, bright and delicate? _

_Maybe that's what my love for you is like, vibrant but fragile, making my heart weak yet burn with an unbridled flame at the sound of your voice._

_Do you remember how I took your hand and we walked with our fingers intertwined until your mother called us in to eat? _

_Your hair was lazily tied back, loops and strands poking out from everywhere, but the sun kissed your pale skin as warmly as I would, and for those precious minutes I pretended that we were a couple, that our love was mutual and not doomed to being unrequited._

_I'm sorry for having such thoughts without telling you about them. _


	6. 26-01-1991

_Dear Dahyun, _

_T_ _his time I won't refer to one singular event. I believe I should apologise for many faults, one not being the best friend you deserve, the second being keeping secrets from you. _

_I'm sorry if I wasn't always there when you needed me, if I fell asleep whilst we were talking on the phone or if I didn't truly comprehend your feelings._

_I'm sorry for the times I would forget things you told me, for always playing music you don't like in the car just to tease you, for snapping at you when you asked about certain topics. _

_Dahyun, I'm sorry for taking advantage of our friendship so that I could hold you as much as I wanted, kiss your supple cheeks as much as I desired, hold your hand until our palms would become too hot and even then refuse to let you go._

_I'm sorry for not being the friend you deserved, but more importantly I'm sorry for loving you as more than one. _


	7. 28-01-1991

_Dear Dahyun, _

_D_ _o you remember when you finally ended things with that guy and came to me for comfort? _

_It was summer and the heat was stifling, the air heavy with humidity and the rays of the sun were scorching, but your weeping was the sound to override those peaceful calls of birds we could hear._

_Puffy eyes and splotched cheeks, your mascara had smeared and your hair was unruly, but you looked absolutely gorgeous and I told you so. _

_You croaked out a sweet laugh and pulled me in for a hug, nestling your face into the crook of my neck so that your tears would trickle onto my skin and along my collarbone, stopping atop my heart._

_You held me impossibly close, you clutched onto me as if we would never hug again and you kept mumbling words of gratitude amidst your hiccups. _

_You shouldn't have been thanking me, Dahyun, because that miniscule, greedy part of me was happy to have you tell me I was all you needed. _

_It's selfish but rightfully so, I believe, that I was glad you had liberated yourself of that man. _

_He didn't love you as he should, not as much as I do. I don't see myself as perfect, or your prime choice for a partner, but I would be content enough if you found a person who treated you well and adored your every detail and imperfection._

_I would be content enough if you found your happiness, even if it were in the arms of someone else. _

_I would be at ease, as long as you are._


	8. 31-01-1991

_Dear Dahyun, _

_Do_ _ you remember that time a boy in our class was dared to date you? _

_You liked him a lot, back then, and the two of you did everything together for an entire month. He held you as if you were precious, he poked your cheeks as if you were the most adorable thing he'd seen, he'd treat you to meals at nice restaurants and be understanding when you wanted time alone. _

_He seemed so caring, even I approved of him. He made you smile as much as I would, laugh as much as my jokes could, and stare off dreamily out the window like I never could. _

_You were devastated when, after he forcibly kissed you in front of the class, his group of friends had begun hollering. Only then did he confess the truth to you._

_It was embarrassing and cruel, and I was so infuriated that I had pushed my chair back and punched him square in the jaw, instead of hugging you like I should have._

_I'm sorry I couldn't protect your glass heart from his rough touch. I should have been more aware, less trusting of the people around us, but you're so kind that your purity attracts evil. _

_It's not your fault, of course it's not. _

_I should have kept you safe, but I failed._

_I'm sorry. _


	9. 03-02-1991

_Dear Dahyun,_

_M_ _aybe I should stop bothering you with these letters soon. _

_Do you remember though, when we had gone out on our night of graduation and you had gotten tipsy? Actually, maybe you won't remember this._

_You had started to cry over what had happened with that jerk who tricked you into loving him, and as I comforted you, you looked up at me with these breathtaking, dazed eyes, vulnerable and curious, a stare so strong that my stomach did somersaults and I felt my ears prickle red._

_"Wouldn't it be － Wouldn't it be better if we were together, Momo?"_

_Yes. I wanted to say yes. _

_I would never let harm come to you, I would never leave a single blemish upon your porcelain skin. _

_I want to say that I would never deceive you, but I already have._

_When I didn't reply, another tear streaked down your face and off your chin, and your lips quivered as you dropped your sight to the side._

_"Not even you would want me."_

_And then I couldn't take it._

_Your dismal expression, the hurt in your eyes and the dejected tone to your murmured words. _

_I told myself you probably wouldn't recall what happened the next morning and that gave me courage to cup your jaw and tilt it up towards me. When you stared into my eyes I felt my heart implode, as if it were a bomb set on a timer and your beauty was the switch._

_"I want you," I had whispered, though I knew no one else around us could hear our conversation over the pounding music._

_Rather than surprised, you looked ecstatic, glee shimmering in your irises._

_"You're the best, Momo. I love you a lot, a lot."_

_With that, you met our lips and I felt all air block within my lungs, my every muscle freezing and then heat spreading along each of my nerves and dancing like a fire upon my skin._

_I had dreamt of it for so long, kissing you and telling you I loved you, and yet you were the first to do it._

_I was happy. No, more than happy. I could have cried with joy, but then I realised that you were drunk. Your mind was fogged by alcohol and your words were slurred with blurred emotions. _

_You didn't mean what you said, or at least, not what I wished you meant._

_It was wrong, but I took the only chance I knew I would ever get and I kissed you back._

_I'm sorry for taking advantage of the situation. I'm sorry for taking advantage of your trust. _

_I'm sorry for tainting your heavenly lips with my own._


	10. 05-02-1991

_Dear Dahyun,_

_T_ _his should be over soon. Just the last few letters left now, I promise. _

_You won't know this, because I never told you, but the first time I saw you, you were eleven and I was thirteen. We were at that birthday party of a class friend, and you were her neighbour. I can still envision the moment perfectly engraved into my memory － the moment I spotted you across the garden while waiting in line to get myself a cup of orange juice._

_I caught sight of your baby blue dress with frills around the bottom, softly swaying as you chatted with a group of girls. You had a white bow around your waist and matching scrunchees for your pigtails, and the largest grin showing off your crooked teeth._

_You were the prettiest girl there, I swear, and I desperately wanted to be your friend. _

_I was too shy to approach you though, so that day went by with me peeking at you whenever I could, until my mother arrived to take me home. _

_Had I not been such a coward, I would have gotten to spend an extra year with you, because it wasn't until eleven months later that I met you at the town centre, sitting outside a shop, waiting for your mother to return because your feet were hurting._

_That was when we spoke and that would be the first memory you'd have of me. _

_I'm grateful we became friends. I'm grateful that you let me be so close to you._

_I had fallen for you already, and since then my heart never cared for anyone else._


	11. 08-02-1991

_Dear Dahyun,_

_T_ _his is the penultimate letter you shall receive from me. _

_I was wondering if perhaps you regretted moving into an apartment with me. You wouldn't know, but living with you during our university years was like a dream come _ _true._

_I loved when you'd sneak into my bed when it was cold, and we'd snuggle beneath the blankets. I loved your back against my chest, your lush hair tickling my neck and the tranquil rise and fall of your breaths. _

_My palms would settle upon your stomach and I'd keep you close, and there were times you were so tired you'd snore, but don't worry, even your snores are the most adorable thing. _

_I adored eating every meal with you. I adored cleaning the apartment with you. Honestly, I adored doing even the grocery shopping as long as it was with you. Does this make me seem obsessive? I hope not._

_For those short years it felt as if we were a couple, and it scared me to think that one day it wouldn't be like that anymore, that you'd find someone to love and settle down with them. _

_I'd be your best friend and I'd be waiting at the end of the aisle, but I wouldn't be the one to place that fine ring on your finger, nor the one with whom you'd seal your vows._

_It terrifies me now, that my original fear will soon become reality. _


	12. Chapter 12

_Dear Dahyun, _

_T_ _his is my last letter to you. If you've read all the ones leading up to this, thank you for listening to me another time. You've always been such a great listener. _

_In this, I want to apologise for leaving without a proper goodbye. _

_By the time this letter has arrived, I will be long gone. The reason is that I was offered a position in a foreign branch at work, and I decided to accept it. It's over in a country in Europe and I'll be gone for more than a year, but I hope to return as a better person._

_It's selfish, egotistical, but I think I need a break from everything. Not you, though. I could never need a break from you. _

_No, it's just that everything hurts as of late, and seeing that engagement ring on your finger and knowing you have a significant other awaiting your return home, is like a _ _stake_ _ to my heart and needles in my lungs. _

_It's hard to breathe and even if I'm happy you've found the person for you, I need some time to let go. _

_The reason I decided to leave without telling all these things to you directly is because I couldn't face you. _

_I don't want you to leave your love or doubt our friendship simply because I have divulged all these secrets to you, but I couldn't live with them stored in my chest anymore. _

_Me loving you doesn't take away my title of being your best friend, does it? I would like to keep such a title, even if I've always yearned for more._

_I hope you can forgive me. _

_For now, let's be apart, okay? _  
_Let's say, 'see you later' or 'talk again soon' － something like that. A promise of a continuation to our friendship._

_I love you, Dahyun. _

_That's all I would like to say, I think. _

_With lots of affection,_

_from your best friend,_  
_Momo_


	13. 10-03-1991

_Dear Momo, _

_I hope you get to read this because it wouldn't be fair if not, seeing as how I read all your letters. You told me how you felt and now I would like you to know what I have to say._

_I'm not upset about what you've told me, in case you're wondering, I just wish you told me sooner._

_I could never hate you, Momo. Did you think I would? Did you think I would push you away? _ _I thought you had understood by now how much I love you, how much you mean to me._

_I remember all the moments you mentioned, well, except for the one when I was drunk － which I'm extremely embarrassed about, by the way, but I'm glad you liked it, at least._

_Perhaps it's my fault this happened. _

_You know, looking back at everything I feel like I can notice all the times your stares held something more than friendship and your touches held love. _

_Is this all my fault? _

_You shouldn't be apologising, Momo. Why should you apologise for being in love? I find that to be utterly ridiculous._

_And yet, we are guilty of the same thing._

_I'm sorry for never telling you that I loved you, but as you were, I was afraid. _

_How foolish we are, aren't we? _

_You'll be returning in a year, right? Does that mean we can meet? I would love to see you and talk about everything face to face. Speaking of which, I miss you dearly. _

_The whole town seems empty without you here. My world is empty without you. _

_I wish I could have hugged you before you left, maybe then you wouldn't have gone._

_Please come back soon, Momo. _

_Let's cuddle and watch silly movies together when you do. Let's go on long walks and to that adventure park you like. It will be loads of fun, I'm sure._

_With more love than you could ever imagine,_

_From your best friend,_  
_Dahyun _


	14. 28-05-1992

**_The paper was_** _**a warm cream**_,  
**_c_****_reased at the edges and_**  
_**heavy within her grasp**_  
**_with a weight she had yet_**  
_**to unearth.**_

_ **And it was with a wrinkled brow** _   
** _and tense gaze, nails picking_ **   
** _at the envelope's flap until it lifted,_ **   
** _that she felt a foreshadowing sensation of sorrow douse her soul._ **

_To whomever this address belongs, _

_I_ _t is with a heavy_ _ heart that we send this letter of our most sincere condolences. _   
_On the 16th of April, Miss Momo Hirai has passed away in a mass road accident whilst on her way to attend a work conference. _

_The scientific reports declare a painless death at 10:46 A.M, resulting from a severe head trauma._

_Should you wish to visit her resting place, please contact －_

**_The words continued down below,_**  
**_b_****_ut _**_**Dahyun read no more**_,  
_**for from that instant onwards, **_  
**_life was bleak and_**  
_**love was dead. **_

**Author's Note:**

> thanks a lot for reading!


End file.
